Have you ever felt like you were speaking a foreign language — even when you weren’t? I often think I am. But recently, I realized it’s not that I’m speaking differently. It’s that people aren’t really listening.
Most of us think we’re good listeners. But if you’ve ever started having a conversation in your head before the other person finishes speaking, you’re not alone. We all do it. We assume we know what someone’s going to say and prepare our response before they finish — often based on past experiences, our mood, or our assumptions about that person.
This mental auto-reply is one of the biggest obstacles to true communication — especially in moments of conflict.
Why Conversations Often Feel Like Arguments
Have you ever noticed how quickly a simple discussion can turn heated?
That often happens not because people are being hostile, but because we’re not really listening. We respond to our assumptions, not the actual words being spoken. And the person we’re talking to is probably doing the same thing. No wonder we end up frustrated, misunderstood, or in conflict.
When two people are locked in internal dialogues instead of actively listening to each other, there's no space left for understanding.
A Moment in the Drive-Thru
Let me share a small example that got me thinking about all this.
The other day, I was at a drive-thru. I placed my order and pulled up to the window. The young woman at the window was cheerful and polite. She confirmed my order and asked if I needed anything else. I said, “No, thank you,” but I had already formed that reply before she even finished her sentence.
While waiting, I noticed a drink on the counter for the next customer. Its lid wasn’t secured properly. When she returned with my food, she again asked if everything was okay. I said yes, then pointed to the drink and mentioned that the lid wasn’t on correctly.
She blinked, stared at me like I’d just switched languages mid-sentence, and didn’t immediately react. I repeated myself, pointed again — and after a second or two, she finally registered what I was saying. She smiled and thanked me, but I could tell from her body language that her mind had been elsewhere. She was already preparing for her next interaction, and my comment didn’t fit into the mental script she was following.
This all happened in under 30 seconds, but it stuck with me.
Listening Isn’t Automatic — It’s Intentional
That moment made me reflect on how rarely we truly listen. And more importantly, how much tension and conflict come from this one habit.
If we all paused — even just for a second — and committed to fully hearing what the other person is saying before responding, we’d likely have fewer misunderstandings. We’d give each other space to be heard, validated, and respected. And in doing so, we’d create a stronger foundation for communication — whether in conflict or everyday conversation.
Practicing the Art of Listening
The art of listening isn’t about being silent. It’s about being present. It means letting go of assumptions, resisting the urge to interrupt, and responding to what’s actually being said — not what we expect or fear we’ll hear.
A few simple ways to improve your listening:
- Pause before responding. Let the other person finish — then reflect.
- Ask questions. Clarify what you heard instead of assuming.
- Stay aware of your inner dialogue. Notice when your mind jumps ahead.
- Show with your body language that you’re engaged — eye contact, nodding, facing the person.
Listening Can Transform Relationships
Whether it’s in a drive-thru, a family argument, or a boardroom debate, how we listen shapes the quality of our relationships. When people feel heard, they become less defensive. Conflicts soften. Understanding becomes possible.
So — the next time you find yourself in a conversation, ask yourself:Am I really listening? You might be surprised how much changes when you do.
